HOT DAMN #4 – The Bro Shake

LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS

In an effort to offer a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve decided on a new project:  a weekly, year-long discussion of those things in my life that I enjoy.  For those keeping count, that’s one new thing every week.  But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.

For a full list of all HOT DAMNs, click here.

THE BRO SHAKE

I’ve been living a lie.

I’m not a bicep curling, bench pressing, crossfit obsessed fitness aficionado, though some people might think that I am. No, maybe not you, but that’s because I’m speaking specifically of the fine men at Body Systems Nutrition.

“How’s training coming?” they ask.

“Great,” I lie.

“Just come from a work out?”

“You bet!” Another lie.

I drink your bro shake — sluurrrrrrp — I drink it up.

I blame my winter jacket, which makes me look bulkier than I am; I also blame my posture, which (apparently) makes that bulk look like hidden gargantuan muscle, as opposed to good old fashioned all-Canadian fat; and, most of all, I blame the Bro Shake, that sweet protein-laced nectar of chocolate peanut butter glory that these fine fellows serve for only four dollars.

It’s a protein shake, but one like no other, made simply, but so flavourfully smooth and thick and creamy that it is like a transcendence from mere physical wonder to metaphysical splendor.

The “Bro Shake,” I should mention, is not its official name – it’s my nickname for it. And, yes, some “bros” might find the name a little insulting. But I use it endearingly. Because I am not a bro, and will never be a bro. But I wish I was. I wish I could dedicate myself so thoroughly to physical improvement that I too could have bulging guns and shoulders like boulders. If I could walk into Body Systems Nutrition and not feel intimidated by the hulking (and friendly) staff, then I would be a happy man.

And so they ask:

Do you even lift, bro?

And I must admit: No, sir, I do not, but your tasty protein beverage is damn delicious. I tip my hat to you.