By Z.S. Roe
When people ask me if I like my job, I don’t bother lying. Instead, I just tell them the truth: “No, I don’t like my job; in fact, I kind of hate it; some days I even abhor it.” The truth, I find, is a lot easier for me to live with, as I hate lying about being happy with something when I’m not. Still, it’s a job that pays the bills and that’s good enough for now. And besides, I’m not paid to like my job; I’m paid to do it, which I do (and pretty well, I’d say). But I’d be lying if I said I never thought of quitting … I think about it quite a lot … that and winning the lottery, but you know …
After talking with a few friends and family (and other coworkers), I’ve come to the relatively obvious conclusion that I’m not alone. And so, with some help, I’ve compiled a rather specific list of things that are clear signs that (in a perfect world) you need to and should quit your job. Better late than never, right?
In no particular order, 25 damn good reasons to quit your job:
1. You’re unhappy … but not just regular unhappy, but the kind of unhappy that makes you want to strangle your neighbour’s cat when he asks you how work is going.
2. There’s only one bathroom at work and two of your coworkers suffer from irritable bowel syndrome.
3. You spend your day taking care of other people’s kids, but don’t make enough money to have any of your own (and stealing them doesn’t count).
4. Your employer reprimands you for making a three-minute personal phone call, and then spends the rest of his or her day texting and on Facebook (and then watching porn after everyone’s left).
5. Your employer and fellow employees have given you a nickname that is not only unkind, but also disastrously unimaginative, and they all laugh because (to them) it just seems so damn clever.
6. Every day is an exercise in restraint, especially when there is a hammer in your hand.
7. At work, you fantasize about burning the place down (and have already stockpiled thirty-two 18 litre jerrycans filled with methyl hydrate and gasoline).
8. You actually tried to burn the place down (better luck next time).
9. You frequently fantasize about one of your family members dying (sorry grandma) so that you can finally get a day off.
10. You say “F**k this Sh*t” at least once an hour.
11. You say “F**k this sh*t” even louder when the boss walks by.
12. You forget that your boss’ name isn’t actually That-Goddamn-Sonofabitch.
13. You’ll be sorely disappointed if 2012’s Armageddon doesn’t happen … seriously, you were getting your hopes up. Apocalypse when? Apocalypse Now, baby!
14. Prostitution begins to seem like a better career alternative (at least then you’ll know when you’re getting screwed).
15. You stage a work place accident so you can go home early (limbs grow back, right?).
16. You hear about a fellow worker who actually just had a workplace accident, and you think, “That lucky bastard.” (You meet him at the hospital and the two of you car pool home together.)
17. You would cry yourself to sleep at night if you hadn’t forgotten how every other emotion except for rage felt like.
18. You vaguely remember what a social life was … vaguely. You used to have friends, right?
19. Your little kids won’t talk to you because their teacher told them not to talk to strangers.
20. You deliberately lose touch with friends from university/college because they all have better jobs than you (and, really, wasn’t it your fault for becoming friends with people who would inevitably be more successful than you?).
21. Your boss is racist and has racist policies, but because you have to deal with all the clients, you’re the one who comes off as the bigot.
22. Your job keeps you so busy that your complete food and water intake for the day consists of two boxes of raisins and three Dixie cups of water (Skeletor’s a nice look, isn’t it?).
23. You’ve tried quitting before, but your boss just laughed at you and told you to get back to work.
24. Your boss just said you’re fired, and you wept tears of rapture and jubilee.
25. You just won the lottery (advice: don’t start your own business; when that inevitably fails you’ll just have to return to the job you quit from).
Opinion is a bi-monthly column of just that, my opinion. While opinions are like noses and everyone has one, mine are especially snotty. Please leave a comment or question—all opinions are welcome, and all contributions are greatly appreciated. If you like what you read here, please subscribe.