On Life, Turning Thirty, and Big Ears Teddy

OPINION
By Z. S. Roe

I’m a slacker. My commitment to this blog surely demonstrates that. When WordPress informed me in one of their jazzy Year End celebrations that I’d made only a single post in 2014, I thought that they must be wrong. Surely, they were misinformed.

But they weren’t.

I’ve been slacking off. Big time.

Rest assured, I can trot out a dozen excuses to justify my laziness. And it’s tempting. Instead, though, I’m opting to summarize my thoughts and feelings regarding a whole mess of issues in one big post. Consider this the Cole’s Notes version of Zac’s musings in 2014, all of it kept short and to the point for today’s 140 character attention span. I’m catching you up all at once, which (I admit) is the lazy man’s way out, but . . . well, whatever.

On Turning Thirty

Yes, I’m now on the home stretch to being old. Actually, I might already be there. My hair has all but left me, I find it harder to keep off the weight, my favourite drink is either tea or ginger ale (depending on how hard I want to party), and just today I found myself in stitches while listening to Stuart McLean’s Vinyl Café on the radio. It only goes downhill from here, folks.

On Being a Homeowner

Owning your own house is supposed to be an accomplishment. It is a sign that you are a responsible adult who can manage not only his own finances but also the day-to-day maintenance that goes along with home ownership. In short, if you own a house, then you’re doing something right. But to that I say hogwash and horseshit. Here’s the truth: owning a house will add new anxieties to your already towering lexicon of social ticks. Yes, you may make some money from it a couple of years down the road, but that’s if the stress doesn’t kill you first. Seriously, if my basement floods one more time I might just have to punch a baby. For reals.

… because milk chocolate is bad for my digestion.

On Higher Education

My two university degrees have gotten me absolutely nowhere. Up until a month ago, I wasn’t even sure where they were (at my parent’s house, as it turns out). On the upside, if I ever run out of toilet paper . . .

On a more serious note, I work with people who never went to college or university. Hell, some of them didn’t even finish high school. These same people make more money than I do. That fact is often hard for me to reconcile.

On the plus side, I can tell all the dick jokes I want. There’s always that.

On Religion

I’m what you’d call an agnostic who leans more toward atheism. But it’s more of a reactionary position, as I grew up in the church and then left in my early teens – I suppose I felt like Jesus was the emotionally burdensome friend I never asked for. I spent much of my twenties trying to disprove the beliefs I was taught. And wouldn’t you know it, it wasn’t that hard to do. Even so, Jesus still haunts me.   In fact, I’d go so far as to say that he is the devil on my shoulder.

But I’ve got another shoulder. And on that shoulder I keep a Powerpuff Girl, so, you know, it all balances out.

On Jian Ghomeshi

I’ve never been a particularly proud or patriotic Canadian, and have always found the flag wavers to be ever so slightly suspicious individuals who probably shouldn’t be trusted around small children (maybe it’s because patriotism often seems too similar to religious fervor). Don’t get me wrong, I’m a grateful Canadian, just not a “Proud” one. Former CBC Radio celebrity Jian Ghomeshi, however, was the one thing about Canada that did make me proud. He seemed to represent the best of what this country had to offer. For me, anyway.

And then the news broke that Ghomeshi beats women . . . like, a lot of women. And creepiest of all, he didn’t like it if his teddy bear (Big Ears) watched while he did the deed. More than one of his victims attested to Ghomeshi having to turn the bear around before beginning his assault.

This news kind of killed me. I was a big fan of his show, Q. And now? Well, now I’m just one of those weirdoes who rolls his eyes on the first of July.

In Summary

I realize I’m a bit of an outlier. I have this on good authority – a friend recently told me so. So I know my experiences are not universal. But this is my blog, damnit, and if there is any place where I can bitch and moan without fear of judgement or reprisal, then this is it. A more popular blogger might fear the wrath of internet trolls; I, however, harbour no such fears because my site stats tell me that I clearly have no need to.

Thanks for reading. Now get off my lawn.

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Opinion is a column of just that, my opinion. While opinions are like noses and everyone has one, mine are especially snotty. Please leave a comment or question—all opinions are welcome, and all contributions are greatly appreciated. If you like what you read here, please subscribe.