LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS
In an effort to offer a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve committed myself to a weekly, year-long discussion of my life’s joys. But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.
Did you miss last week’s entry on TESTICLES? Catch up here.
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It is a little known fact that the Book of Revelation, the final book in the Bible, is not at all about the second coming of Christ, the impending apocalypse, nor even about Kirk Cameron’s eventual rise to Supreme Christian Emperor of Douchebaggery; instead, what John of Patmos saw in his famous vision, and then bumbled together with hipster, highfalutin metaphorical nonsense, was a simple ode to the fine miracle of gluttony that is breakfast.
Yes, God, as it turns out, is a fan of the first meal of the day. So too am I – birds of a feather.
Why, you ask, did the Good God Above once drown the entire world, committing mass global genocide? Because, dear friends, men and women had begun to forgo their morning’s feast, busying themselves with the silly minutia of their ancient lives instead of first devouring a heaping pile of syrupy Hebrew pancakes.
This is the truth. It says so in the very Bible many of you hold so dearly. Go look it up.
Sadly, it pains me to report, humanity has once again fallen upon the sinner’s path. The end is near, folks. And there are clear signs. Yes, we war, but we’ve always warred. Yes, there is great pestilence and disease, but so too have these plagued humanity for all time. What has changed, brothers and sisters, is our return to hungry mornings, our refusal to partake of The Almighty Father’s most holy of meals.
Instead, we subsist on energy laced, piss flavoured potions of mass produced debauchery. It is the work of the beast, and all who partake of his spirits bare his mark, as the Book of Revelation so foretold.
And this woman can prove it. Because Jesus and stuff.