LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS
As a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve committed myself to a weekly, year-long discussion of my life’s joys. But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.
//FIRING DOUCHE BAGS//
Please, for your sake and mine, get your shit together. Women are going to stop talking to us if you keep it up. You’ve been a dick. I mean a real sphincter swab of a dick, and that’s saying something.
The other week, my sister, who works at a jewelry store, was approached by a male customer who introduced himself to her by saying that she “made his penis tingle.” Other times (yes, more than once), she’s had married men hit on her . . . while she was cleaning their wedding rings.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
If you live in Ontario (Canada), then you likely heard this week about the Hydro One douche canoe. Yes, he’s the guy who tried to argue that it’s okay to shout “Fuck her right in the pussy” into a female TV news reporter’s camera.
Good on Hydro One, though, for firing the guy once they realized he worked for them.
Will his firing send a strong enough message? Who can say? All I can do is offer a few key tips for my brothers of manly might:
1. Women do not care that you have a penis. Apparently all guys have them. Who knew, right?
2. Stop letting your penis speak for you. It has nothing new to say. It never did.
3. Never send dick pics. Just never. Unless you’re sending them to yourself, which is . . . weird?
Do you know what works better than, “Hey sexy, wanna bang?” A simple, “Hello.”
That’s all it takes, fellas. Just a: “Hello. Let’s talk about normal stuff that’s not my dick.”
Boom. There, you did it. How does that feel? You’ve just successfully not harassed a woman. Good for you, bro. Now, let’s go lift some weights to celebrate.
Did you miss last week’s entry on IMAGINARY FRIENDS? Catch up here.
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