HOT DAMN #19 – Baby Wipes

LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS

As a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve committed myself to a weekly, year-long discussion of my life’s joys.  But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.

//BABY WIPES//

No, I don’t have any babies . . . but I hear they’re tasty.

Sorry, let me start again.

I don’t have any kids yet, but my wife and I have had baby wipes in our bathrooms for years now.

Strange, you may say. What on earth could we be doing with these moist, antiseptic swipes of cool and fragrant relief?

I’m glad you asked, friend, because I’m here to tell you.

There it is, folks: sweet, sweet relief.

Maybe you’ve passed by this item countless times at your local pharmacy or grocery store. Perhaps you were searching for bandages, mouthwash, or inner ear lubricant, and out of the corner of your eye you spotted these siren songs of infant hygiene. But, seeing as that you’re a grown ass man/woman, you told yourself, tempted though you were, to keep on going, to not let Satan rule your heart on this day.

But you were wrong to do so. Baby wipes are not just for babies’ bottoms. They’re also great for when:

You Have The Runs: Or maybe you call it the squirts, or the shits, or even a bad case of percolating butt coffee. Then again, maybe you’re a decent human being and just call it diarrhea. Whatever. The simple truth is that if you’re making enough trips to the bathroom, your chocolate starfish has likely started to burn. We’ve all been there. Hell, I was there this week. And here’s the thing: if you’re looking for instant relief for your rectal trauma, there’s no better remedy than giving yourself a quick swipe with a baby wipe. Trust me. Just make it your last wipe because you can’t flush that shit.

You Have Your Period: This one’s for the ladies. Periods are just the worst, am I right? Yeah, I have no idea – I’m a dude. What I do know is that these monthly battles of feminine endurance, pain management, and warrior body paint are far beyond anything I could ever master. And I also hear that period shits are a thing. Jesus, you guys – way to out man the men. In any event, I have it on good authority that, during clean up, there’s nothing better for that last wipe than a baby wipe.

You’ve Been Getting Sexy: Because you’re a filthy whore. Sorry, I’m just projecting. But, seriously, sexy time can get gross. All the stickiness. All the smell. Not to mention all the dead animals offered in sacrifice to Shiva, god of destruction. And, would you look at that, you don’t have time for a shower. But do you know what you do have time for? That’s right. A baby wipe. And also a MARS bar.

Boom. There you go. Of course, this isn’t a complete list. Hell, I’m sure more imaginative and/or practical people could come up with a whole series of undiscovered uses for baby wipes. And bully to them.

For now, let me say this: babies have been hoarding this resource for far too long; it’s time we took a stand and said, “No more!” Let’s not let the terrorists win. Do your part, eat a baby.

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Did you miss last week’s entry on FIRING MISOGYNISTIC DOUCHE BAGS?  Catch up here.

For a full list of all HOT DAMNs, click here.