LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS
As a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve committed myself to a weekly, year-long discussion of my life’s joys. But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.
//TOUGH FACEBOOK KIDS WHO HATE GRAMMAR//
I’m not a tough guy.
In all my life I’ve thrown exactly zero punches. I did get punched in the face one time, though. That’s got to count for something, right?
Or maybe not.
I kind of cried when it happened.
The point is that I know I’m not a tough guy, and I don’t try to pretend otherwise. Part of the reason for that, I think, is that I grew up in a time long before now, an era known in the history books as BEFORE THE INTERNET.
Part of the problem is that I want to be a tough guy. I know I’m not, but it would be so rad if I was, right? Like Tom Hardy in Bronson. Had I had the Internet when I was a kid and could insulate myself with the infamous online anonymity, I think I might have tried to sound like a real bad ass.
In some ways, I feel like I missed out.
Thankfully, however, I have a much younger cousin who satisfies my need for such fun. He is in the prime of his adolescence and his Facebook posts are just the best. Through him, I can revel in what I like to call online teenage peacockery. You know what I mean: lots of tough talk, spelled atrociously, and with a giant middle finger to English grammar; pictures of teens holding some form of alcohol, because drinking be serious biz, bro; and, of course, bullshit about video games.
Recently, I stumbled upon a conversation he’d “liked” (see the above photo). From what I read, I think there was a fight, or a scuffle, or some primate-like chest thumping. And maybe somebody filmed it? Truth be told, I don’t really know, and I don’t really care.
What matters are the gold nuggets of teenage badassery. Here’s just one example:
“Bro how bout I come down with a squad and merk these waste yutes. , kids wanna act tuff?? , you got a problem with Thug Borski ? , link me then cause I won’t back down from A fight … Fucking waste kids.”
You see what I mean? It’s just the best. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
When I was that age, I was reading Dean Koontz and fantasizing about being a novelist. What a waste. I should have been pimping like these crazy mofos.
Live and learn, I guess.
Did you miss last week’s entry on BEING OKAY WITH BEING ALONE? Catch up here.
For a full list of all HOT DAMNs, click here