HOT DAMN #21 — Tough Facebook Kids Who Hate Grammar

LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS

As a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve committed myself to a weekly, year-long discussion of my life’s joys.  But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.

//TOUGH FACEBOOK KIDS WHO HATE GRAMMAR//

I’m not a tough guy.

In all my life I’ve thrown exactly zero punches. I did get punched in the face one time, though. That’s got to count for something, right?

Or maybe not.

I kind of cried when it happened.

Whatever.

This slang is an example of Jamaican Patois. Did I mention that these kids are white?  Also, names have been changed.  Obviously.

The point is that I know I’m not a tough guy, and I don’t try to pretend otherwise. Part of the reason for that, I think, is that I grew up in a time long before now, an era known in the history books as BEFORE THE INTERNET.

Part of the problem is that I want to be a tough guy. I know I’m not, but it would be so rad if I was, right? Like Tom Hardy in Bronson. Had I had the Internet when I was a kid and could insulate myself with the infamous online anonymity, I think I might have tried to sound like a real bad ass.

In some ways, I feel like I missed out.

Thankfully, however, I have a much younger cousin who satisfies my need for such fun. He is in the prime of his adolescence and his Facebook posts are just the best. Through him, I can revel in what I like to call online teenage peacockery. You know what I mean: lots of tough talk, spelled atrociously, and with a giant middle finger to English grammar; pictures of teens holding some form of alcohol, because drinking be serious biz, bro; and, of course, bullshit about video games.

Recently, I stumbled upon a conversation he’d “liked” (see the above photo). From what I read, I think there was a fight, or a scuffle, or some primate-like chest thumping. And maybe somebody filmed it? Truth be told, I don’t really know, and I don’t really care.

What matters are the gold nuggets of teenage badassery. Here’s just one example:

“Bro how bout I come down with a squad and merk these waste yutes. , kids wanna act tuff?? , you got a problem with Thug Borski ? , link me then cause I won’t back down from A fight … Fucking waste kids.”

You see what I mean? It’s just the best. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

When I was that age, I was reading Dean Koontz and fantasizing about being a novelist. What a waste. I should have been pimping like these crazy mofos.

Live and learn, I guess.

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Did you miss last week’s entry on BEING OKAY WITH BEING ALONE?  Catch up here.

For a full list of all HOT DAMNs, click here