HOT DAMN #22 — The JURASSIC PARK Franchise

LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS

As a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve committed myself to a weekly, year-long discussion of my life’s joys.  But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.

//THE JURASSIC PARK FRANCHISE//

Yeah, you know what this weekend is: it’s the opening weekend for Jurassic World, the fourth movie in the Jurassic Park franchise.

Nobody asked for another installment, you say? Actually, friend, I’ve been asking for it for years.

But the last two movies were kind of shitty. Yes, you’re absolutely right — they were. But do you know what they also were? They were also kind of great, even the greasy bowel storm that was Jurassic Park III.

Now, twenty-two years after the first installment, we get a new entry in the Jurassic Park franchise. Truth be told, I couldn’t be more excited. The original was the defining flick of my childhood. Forget Aladdin, forget Free Willy. It was Jurassic Park that made me the man I am today.

I need to take more selfies. Clearly. My duck face is killer.

And so, though I’ve yet to see the new movie, I feel I need to come to its defense. Sure, it’s the best reviewed sequel, but it still has its haters. I’m okay with being critical, but what I will not abide by is the constant lobbing of bullshit snowballs, such as:

THE CGI WAS BETTER IN 1993
Okay, stop it. Just stop it. The CGI was not better in the original Jurassic Park than it is in the new Jurassic World. That is so patently false that every time I hear it I want to disembowel a baby ostrich, and you should know that I love baby ostriches. Look, you can make the argument that the CGI was better utilized in the original film (i.e. during rainy night time scenes that hid the now dated computer effects), but in no way can you make the claim that, all in all, the CGI was better back in 1993. So just shut your mouth. The world gets collectively dumber every time you open it.

DINOS SHOULD HAVE FEATHERS
Apparently, paleontologists (a.k.a. dinosaur experts) now say that our favourite dinos were actually covered in feathers. That Jurassic World doesn’t reflect this new discovery is a testament to its inherent shittiness. Or so they say. But to them I say, “piss on you.” There’s this thing called continuity, and when you’re making movies, continuity matters. Plus, a T-Rex covered in feathers? Come on guys – that’s just silly.

NOT BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL
You see, this is how fights start: by saying something stupid. If your primary complaint is that the new film is not as good as the original, then please feel free to throw yourself off of a bridge. No, I don’t care if there’s just cement below. You’re going to take this one for the team. Here’s the thing: objectively speaking, the first movie is nowhere near as good as everyone remembers. It’s full of plot holes, inconsistencies, and mistakes. Also, not even Spielberg himself could match the original. Remember The Lost World: Jurassic Park? Yeah, that was The Beard who directed that. So your argument is invalid. And, really, who cares?

All this to say, you haters can suck it.  Jurassic World doesn’t need to be great; it just needs to be fun. I know, you’re just using your critical thinking skills. But, even if for only this weekend, can you please keep your critical thinking to yourself? Besides, I’ll be too busy running from dinosaurs to hear your blather.

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Did you miss last week’s entry on TOUGH FACEBOOK KIDS WHO HATE GRAMMAR?  Catch up here.

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