LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS
As a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve committed myself to a weekly, year-long discussion of my life’s joys. But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.
//WINNING THE LOTTERY//
INTERVIEWER: I bet you’re one of those people who think that winning the lottery will solve all of your problems.
ME: What? Me? No. Not at all. You couldn’t be more wrong, bro.
INTERVIEWER: Admit it. You already have a plan, don’t you? You already know exactly what you’d do if you won a cool million.
ME: Or a cool fifty million.
INTERVIEWER: You see? That wasn’t so hard.
ME: Maybe. But do you know what is hard? Not being a millionaire.
ME: No, it is.
INTERVIEWER: This from a white, heterosexual male who’s married, has a steady job, owns a house, and has a dog. And not just any dog, but a corgi. You own a corgi. Yes, sir, you’re living the hard life. How have you not offed yourself yet?
ME: Don’t trivialize suicide, bro. That’s not cool.
INTERVIEWER: Anyway . . .
INTERVIEWER: So what would you do with your millions?
ME: I’d quit my job, pay off my mortgage, and . . .
ME: And maybe buy a car.
INTERVIEWER: A fancy car?
ME: No. Probably just a Hyundai or something. I’m kind of tired of riding my bike.
INTERVIEWER: So you win fifty million and you’d only buy a Hyundai?
ME: What? They’re reliable, cost effective cars.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. But, otherwise, you wouldn’t move or go travelling or buy something crazy.
INTERVIEWER: And that’s why you’d make a terrible lottery winner. Basically, what you’re telling me is that you’d just retire. You would collect your winnings and then just settle down.
ME: That doesn’t sound so bad.
INTERVIEWER: It sounds pathetic.
INTERVIEWER: That’s all you have to say? “Nah?”
ME: But, look, I don’t need fifty million. I don’t even need ten million. What I need – and I’ve put a lot of thought into this – is only six million.
INTERVIEWER: Why six?
ME: Because, I’m assuming that I live to be ninety.
INTERVIEWER: That’s making a hell of an assumption
ME: Do the math. If I live to be ninety, that’s sixty more years of life. Six million spread out over sixty years comes to one hundred thousand dollars per year. That, my friend, allows for some mighty comfortable living with a bit of a safety net should the world ever go to shit.
INTERVIEWER: You really have put a lot of thought into this.
ME: Well, you kind of have to.
INTERVIEWER: Oh? And why’s that.
ME: In case it ever happens.
INTERVIEWER: But you don’t even play the lottery.
ME: There’s that, yes.
ME: One step at a time, bro.
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