HOT DAMN #28 — Emergency Toilets

LIFE’S WONDERS PRAISED IN SUGGESTIVE, ODDBALL, AND NONSENSE WAYS

As a counterpoint to my usual cynical antics, I’ve committed myself to a weekly, year-long discussion of my life’s joys.  But, never one for the more traditional approaches, I intend to keep things a little off side, a tad outlandish, and always one foot outside of polite company.

//EMERGENCY TOILETS//

Full disclosure: I’m something of a toilet aficionado.

Yes, you know all about my university fiascos (or, if not, can read about them here), but those were ordinary toilets. We’ve all used those before. But what you might not know about is my appreciation – and, to a degree, admiration – of emergency toilets. You know the kind – the makeshift toilets you use when the real deal is nowhere to be found.

More specifically, when I say emergency toilet, I’m talking about your sinks, your backwoods bush, your triple stack of cinder blocks, your neighbour’s garage, your nearest storm drain, even (dare I say it) your sister’s pillowcase.

The great thing about emergency toilets is that they’re there for you when you need them the most. Sure, it takes some courage to use them, but when you’re done, you have something cool to brag about to your friends.

Think of the stories. You’ll be that much closer to being popular. Or something.

Personally, I can proudly say that I’ve laid a flowery pot of poo-pourri right in the middle of an Ontario Provincial Park hiking trail. Well, maybe I can’t proudly admit to the act. It wasn’t my intention to go on the trail. But, you know, sometimes nature calls ahead, and sometimes she doesn’t.

I’ve also dropped anchor, so to speak, in the bottom of a whaling boat. No, I wouldn’t recommend that one.

What I mean to say is: go where you must, and be grateful that there is anywhere to go at all.

Because the alternative, dear friends, is to simply go in your pants. And, personally, I’ll take in the woods or on a boat every time.

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Did you miss last week’s entry on CBC RADIO ONE?  Catch up here.

For a full list of all HOT DAMNs, click here